Dear whoever reads this,
Before I start, I thought you should know that this is all true and really happened to me! And thanks for taking the time to read this, many people don’t seem to read distress letters in bottles anymore. Truly a pity, I would have been saved by now if someone bothered to read my other letter. Tsk tsk. Well at least I have an excuse for a sequel.
All right, you see, I’m stranded on an island. This island. Not sure what island I’m on, but it’s definitely this one. Oh, and if you’re reading this, I’m already dead.
Sorry I just really wanted to say that line; I’m probably still alive, just really, really grumpy. So while it is possible I’m dead, there’s quite a lot of food so I’m most likely fine. I am probably dead if you’re reading this in like, the year 3000 or something though, since there’s no way I can survive over seven hundred years. Maybe I can survive two hundred.
This island’s kind of nice actually. The weather is warm and sunny. The ocean is sparkly blue, and the palm trees (I think they’re palm trees) make nice swaying motions in the wind. The food is nice, but I’m kind of suspicious. Donuts don’t grow on trees right? There’s this really nice waterfall I visit a lot that provides cool freshwater. Behind the waterfall is a comfortable cave. There’s a lot of stone chairs though, that’s suspicious too.
I’m beginning to think I’m not alone on this island. I would appreciate some friendly company. But I doubt these people or whatever are friendly. In fact, I think they’re invisible. I frequently feel like someone’s watching me. Spooky huh? Actually I don’t feel like anyone’s watching me at all. Maybe because they’re invisible. But it would be pretty creepy if someone were watching me, and my time on this island would totally make a great suspense movie. I would have to cut out a lot of scenes though, since I spend most of my days here sleeping and eating steaks that I find in these suspicious wooden crates. And I guess the rest of my day isn’t all that special either, so I guess my time on this island would make a terrible movie since…
Whoah. I thought I heard a sound. It totally freaked me out. And I did hear a sound, but it just turned out to be a pig landing because I guess it’s tired from flying or something, I don’t know. Maybe I should ask the pig why it’s landing. You know, people always told me pigs don’t actually fly, but I’ve seen them with my own eyes now! Their wings kind of remind me of-
We interrupt this message to bring you this message instead. It’s a whole lot better than the current message, we guarantee it. Tired of your monotonous life? Want adventure? Then the Adventure Soda is the perfect drink for you! In each bottle is a note from an adventurer! At the end of each story, check to see if you’ve won a prize! The third prize is a thousand dollars in Adventure Soda. The second place prize is ten thousand dollars to visit any country in the world for your own adventure! The grand prize is-
Sorry about that. My sponsors forced me to say that. And by sponsors, I mean my kidnappers. I was mugged while thinking about flying pigs, those jerks! They started beating me up and forced me to write the previous message. They say that if I remove it, they’ll kill me. But I escaped with my cunning plan! I just closed my eyes and hoped they would go away. And what do you know, they did! Ingenious plan I tell you. But…I think I’ll keep the message. Just in case. I didn’t see who my attackers were, I guess because they were invisible. So I guess closing my eyes wouldn’t do anything. That must mean my adamant hoping alone drove them away! Not to brag or anything, but I have an iron will.
Before I drove them away with my wishful thinking though, they told me that I was on an alien planet. Ha! Like I would believe those lying, invisible people. The light bulb is a human invention, so these light bulbs growing from this vine obviously proves that I’m on Earth.
Hm, I guess I should ask for help now, I’ve been rambling enough. It’s just that I’m so excited about losing those losing losers. They claim that I’m just a bumbling, ignorant fool, and that everything is going according to plan. Ha! Would a bumbling, ignorant fool escape from an army of invisible people with only the will of his mind?! I think not!
Anyway so yeah uh come rescue me please thanks bye,
P.S. You’ve won the Grand Prize! You get to save the hero in your story! Come to the nearest, deserted, dark alleyway at midnight to collect your million dollar gift. We will immediately pick you up and drop you off where your hero is to rescue him. Thanks for playing! And remember to buy more Adventure Sodas. Maybe a million dollars worth of Adventure Sodas.