Today, I had kind of an angry day. And by “kind of” I meant “a lot.”
Where to begin? Well first I got a paper cut. But I didn’t realize I was bleeding until a good while later so I got blood all over my desk. My day was off to a bad start.
I felt very upset. Luckily for me though, a
singing porpoise flew down from the sky dependable friend offered to help me. With a squirt of water from his blowhole his bottle of ethanol, we managed to clean up the blood.
My reader’s may be wondering how I bled so much with a single paper cut. Well, I write my homework on kind of thick paper. And by “kind of thick” I mean “extraordinarily thick.” And “extraordinarily sharp.” My binder paper was sharp enough to chop down trees. Folding them into ninja stars with my origami prowess would have created real weapons. Actually, that’s how I got suspended once, but I’ll save my beheading story for another day.
Actually, that paper cut story was a terribly horrible place to start since it has no bearing on what happened to me today whatsoever.
All right, so what actually happened was this. I was minding my own business when something strange happened. And by “something strange” I meant a wormhole opened up in front of me.
I wasn’t sure if it was one of those space sci-fi wormholes, or maybe if a worm just ate a hole through the sky. Whatever the case, I felt too nervous to look inside. The hole was deep and angled in such a way that I had to put my head in to see what was inside. And there was no way I was going to do that.
So I thought, there must be someway to find out more about this hole! I tossed an apple inside, and it came flying back out.
“I DON’T LIKE APPLES,” the wormhole roared. Technically, something inside the wormhole roared, not the actual hole.
I felt kind of surprised. And by “kind of” I meant “not at all surprised but rather ridiculously angry.” Don’t…like apples? I scolded the wormhole, “Yeah because you’re opinion is wrong and stupid. You’re just too ugly to appreciate the delicacy that is an apple.”
Silence. Then, “THAT HURT MY FEELINGS.”
“Waaahhh,”I mocked, and threw a whole barrel of apples down into the hole. Before the wormhole being could chuck the apples back out, I covered the hole with an aluminum lid from a nearby garbage can. I held the lid in place, and felt the lid vibrate everytime an apple hit it. Clang, clang, clang, went the apples. Gradually, the clangs grew more moist and softer. And by “softer” I meant like a mushy sound.
“GRAAGH, I’M GETTING APPLE JUICE EVERYWHERE.”
I kind of laughed at that statement. And by “kind of” I meant “like a bad guy in a movie.” It felt great.
I rushed inside my home, picked up a mirror, and ran back to the wormhole. I used the mirror to peek inside the hole. I saw a teddy bear doused in apple juice. I stood, confused for a moment. I looked again. Then I recognized the teddy bear. Anger coursed through my veins. And other bodily organs.
“You!” I shouted. “You’re the toy that broke my other toys when I was a kid!” I wanted revenge. And by “revenge” I meant throw fruit at the bear. I tossed several orange slices down the hole.
“AAAAH IT BURNS.”
I peeled a banana, ready to throw it in as well.
“OOH I LOVE BANANAS.”
I took a bite from the banana. It tasted kind of sweet. And by “kind of sweet” I meant the “glorious flavor of anger and fulfilled revenge.”