Sixteen Wands

Wannabe wizard Garlock entered the item shop. Ettecer Grasslemon (totally a reference to a game I’ve never played before) looked up from behind the store counter. She put down her two hundred pound novel and stared at Garlock with a stoic face.

“Y-yes, I’ve come to buy a wand…?” Garlock half-asked, shifting his feet nervously. The uncomfortable glare made him nauseous.

“Well you’ve certainly come to the right place,” Ettecer said in monotone. She yawned and pointed to several wooden drawers to her right. “There should be several over there. Get to it.”

“Thank you!” Garlock exclaimed, but Ettecer already returned to her novel, because it was the action-packed finale where the Chosen One attempted to kill the evil antagonist who was actually his father but the Chosen One hesitated before landing his finishing blow and the antagonist escaped to some advantageous point where the weapon of mass destruction was located and antagonist threatened protagonist but protagonist pulled through with heroic resolve, and with the power of run-on sentences, smote the bad guy and thus ending his evil reign over the empire, and dragons and elves and dwarves danced happily ever after but the author’s vague foreshadowing hints at a sequel which will be poorly written and really just an attempt to milk his work for more money.

Back at the item shop, Garlock wandered over to the  drawers, and opened one at the top. A dazzling array of wands shined brilliantly, and they shined because (as every wannabe wizard knows) all the cool wands were doing it. “Shine or be dull” was the motto among hipster wands. Garlock shadowed his eyes from the wands’ glare with one hand, and with his other hand he reached into the drawer.

Garlock picked up a long wand. “Too heavy,” he said aloud.

Garlock picked up a shiny wind. “Too hipster.” The wand also smelled like pot, but Garlock didn’t say that because he felt it would be rude.

Garlock picked up a badass wand that was actually (though none of the characters knew it at the time) made from the same unicorn guts as Garlock’s totally rad, twin brother’s wand. “Too cool for me,” he stated.

At this, Ettecer slammed her book shut. Garlock’s mutterings distracted her from her book, and she was not happy about that. “Damn it kid, you’re taking forever! And as the title of this story implies, you’re going to try out sixteen ****ing wands before you find one you like, which is waaay too long. I’ll choose for you, kid.” She threw a rubber wand at Garlock, who fumbled the wand and dropped it.

“Fitting for a wannabe wizard like yourself,” she commented. “That’ll be five pounds. Now pay up and get out of my shop. You’re stinking up the place.”

Garlock stood shocked and dumbfounded at Ettecer’s blatant breaking of the fourth wall. “That was against the rules!” he thought to himself. But Ettecer’s dangerous glare sprung Garlock to courageous action, and he picked up the rubber wand, dropped five pounds, and dashed out of the store.

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