“Dude, dude. Gimme back my money. Dude.”
“You mean this?” I caressed the soft wad of cash against my face, and stuffed every dollar into my mouth. I grinned stupidly as I munched on the acidic paper.
“Dude. Did you just eat my money?”
“Yeh whut uff it?” I asked. I distorted my voice to make it sound like I was still devouring the money, but in reality I already swallowed the hundred bucks.
“Dude. DUDE. Just describe the situation you’re in.”
“Um, let’s see,” I looked around. “We’re in a dark alleyway, my back is against the wall. You have a gun pointed at me, I just noticed. And uh…I ate your hundred dollars for no reason…”
I suddenly felt like crap for some reason.
The guy in front of me waved his gun around. “I’mma kill you!”
“Whoah whoah calm down there,” I told him.
“That’s the last thing I want to hear from the guy who ate my money.”
“You probably didn’t even get it legally,” I said. I took out a rubber duck and threw it at him. “You can have that. Let’s call it even.”
I could have sworn he tried to shoot me, and missed intentionally.
“You missed,” I said.
“Well no duh, I was just threatening you.”
I thought for a while. “I have an idea. How about you let me go, and I’ll repay you later.”
“I don’t even know who you are! You just randomly popped up out of no where!”
“I’ll meet you here in this alleyway tomorrow. I’m too stupid to lie or call the police,” I consoled him. He looked at me with suspicious eyes, observing my every movment. Now’s my chance.
I pulled out a cell phone from my pocket, and dialed 911. “Hello police?” I asked in a loud voice. “This guy has a gun pointed at me.”
“DUDE. DUDE. What do you think you’re doing?!”
“Nothing!” I protested. “No, I wasn’t talking to you officer, I was talking to the guy with the gun.”
I felt a bullet go through my head. It kind of hurt. I ran into the street, spewing blood everywhere. People stared and screamed. They made me feel popular.
I turned to the guy with the gun. “Hey, you know what? Take your stupid money back,” I said. I threw up at his feet, and grayish mush dirtied his shoes. He stared at me with a dumbfounded face. Maybe because of the hole in my head, or maybe because I threw up on his shiny shoes. I’m sorry about that, his shoes were nice.
I grabbed the man by his tie, pulled him down, and bit his tie.
“Dude you are not eating anything else!” he exclaimed. “I’mma shoot you!”
“You mean with this?” I held up his gun. A look of surprise appeared on his face. Oh man, that felt good. Years of magic practice payed off.
“It’s behind your ear,” I told him. But it was actually in my bowels. Boy I got him good.