I’m Senile

When I’m old, I already have things planned out. Trivial things of course, not the important things.

I’ll name my child’s middle name “Dangerous.” S/he will either love me or hate me for it. Depending on whether or not they’re cool enough.

I’ll complain about youth. How they’re so weak minded. Why, back in my day, we didn’t have no fancy shmancy teleportation thingamajig. Instead, if we wanted to get anywhere far, we had to sit on a plane for hours. Can you imagine that? Sitting? For hours? Just to fly hundreds of miles! I didn’t think so, whipper snapper. And we endured it, because that’s what we had to do to travel.

We also didn’t have that fancy super solar cells either. We fueled our non-flying cars with gasoline, the good old fashioned way. You know, I think all these new gizmos are detracting from life. What happened to the good ol’ days, when you had to press a button to turn a car? Find a remote to turn on a television? I swear, telekineses is ruining traditional family values.

Back when I was young, we didn’t have instant telepathy. When we wanted to contact someone on the otherside of the world, we had to type in phone numbers. Yeah, just try to wrap your head around that one. It sometimes takes less than a minute just to talk to someone! Maybe more if their connection starts.

Don’t even get me started on your “universal internet.” Why, not everyone had instant internet back then! Even I, with my super fast internet, had to wait a fraction of a sentence just to wait for a page to load on my browser. Did you hear me? I had to wait, just to gain access to a ginourmous library of digital information. Now everyone in the world can get it for free and instantly. Even in the ocean. I think that devalues the internet and information. You kids these days take everything for granted, especially information.

In fact, my computers were physical blocks of hardware. Yeah, laugh all you want. But believe me, computers weren’t always installed directly into your brain. It wasn’t that convenient to just download files to learn. I learned by studying. Yeah, ever heard of that?

How does this computer brain thing work anyways? You saying I can make calls with it? I don’t hear anything. Maybe I should shout into it. Whaddya mean shouting doesn’t work? I have to think louder? Nonsense!

I’ll force my beliefs onto my grandson, and lecture my granddaughter. So that way, old customs don’t die. Young people these days. You have to appreciate technology and ye’ olde ways!


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