Center of the Earth

You know, living at the center of the Earth kind of sucks. The molten core is really hot. The heat makes me feel so lazy and unenergetic. It’s also really dry down here, but whenever I try to turn on the humidifier, the fine mist immediately boils and rushes towards the surface.

My house burns down a lot. It’s annoying. I know I sound like I’m just complaining, but I’m being honest: having your house burn down several times a day sucks. I tried making my house out of metal, but then it gets really stuffy and uncomfortable inside.

The only refuge I have is my giant refrigerator. It’s large enough for me to fit inside, and it’s very comfortable. I made a handle on the inside so I don’t get locked inside like in a bunch of horror films.

I throw my garbage into my pool in the backyard. It’s lava, so the garbage doesn’t last long. But as a result, I never swim in my pool. I’m paranoid of the germs.

During the winter, it snows down here. I enjoy making snowmen. The snow is kind of strange though. And icicles hang from my roof too. It’s more like lava-ice. Sometimes I capture magma inside a sphere of ice. It’s really cool and trippy looking. Reminds me of a crystal ball except more badass.

I take my lava-ice ball inside my house, in a dark room. That way, it gives off a really cool glow. If I stare at it long enough, I can see my future: my house burning down again.

When I take showers, my skin kind of burns, but it’s a clean kind of burning. I feel completely sterile afterwards.

I don’t get sick down here that often, probably because most bacteria and virus can’t survive down here. I’m very clean. Nitpickingly clean. Clean clean clean. I do get sunburns down here, even though there’s no sun.

When I buy groceries, I have to take an elevator up to the surface. My elevator is extraordinarily fast, otherwise I would have to wait days to get to the surface. If you’re not used to my elevator, it makes you feel dizzy, and your ears do that stuffy thing.

Sometimes I invite guests down to my house.

They don’t survive very long.

I don’t invite guests anymore.

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