Security

I stared at the security guard, open-mouthed.

“Sir, you cannot bring a gun with you onboard,” he said. But to me, it just sounded like a buzz, because I was totally out of it. I hadn’t slept for two years, and I felt like a dead undead zombie.

Actually, that’s not strictly true at all. If I weren’t paying attention, and the man’s voice sounded like a buzz, I wouldn’t have been able to tell you what he said.

So I was paying attention. Just enough to remember what he said, several days later.

Which, now that I think about it, is quite a long time.

I gave my gun to the good officer. “What about my bomb? Can I keep that?” I asked.

The officer sighed. “Sir,” he said in a gruff, aggravated voice. “No weapons on board. Nor liquids.”

I stared at him again. I should stop doing that, otherwise it’ll land me in trouble. Like that time a stared at a thug. He was morbidly obese, so I couldn’t stop staring. But then he pointed a gun at my face and pulled the trigger. Lucky for me, he had terrible aim, but hit a cat next to me instead. Unfortunate for the cat. I felt bad for the cat; I’m quite fond of them.

I remember one time this cat strutted up to my leg, and started purring and rubbing against me. It was so cute, but the blasted thing got hair a ll over my newly cleaned jeans. They were a brand name pair of jeans too. I don’t remember the brand name though, because I’m not too into fashion. They were a birthday present from my sister. She told me it was brand name, and I trusted her.

My sister is very kind, and she always says the most wisest things. I can imagine her right now…lecturing me… “Hey you! Don’t name this blog post ‘Security,’ name it ‘Stream of Consciousness’ instead, it’ll make so much more sense.” Yup, that’s what she would say.

I don’t always follow her advice though.

“Sir!” the security officer shouted. “Are you alive?! Please no weapons onboard.”

“Really? That sucks, because all I brought were weapons,” I said, and disappointment welled up within me. I loved my weapons. “Well what about my explosive teddy bear? He’s really cute.”

“No explosives. No liquids either.”

“What?! So I can’t bring my axe whose insides are full of nitrogen? Laaaame,” I pouted.

The security officer face palmed. Like, the motion commonly used on the internet. It’s not so much as used, as said, since on the internet, everything is in text. Or pictures, if you have those.

I had this really good picture of a face palm, but I can’t find it anymore. It would have been great to use as an example. Or to describe the situation I’m in.

The officer spoke on some weird telecom, “Please arrest this guy.”

I know a friend that got arrested. He said jail sucks. But another friend told me it was great. Who do I believe?

Now that I think about it, both are prone to lying, so I can’t trust either. Ugh, liars suck, they really get on my nerves. This one time, a liar was lying to me right? And he told me that he was lying. What a paradox!

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