The Pyro’s Mailbox (TF2 Fanfiction)

The number, 606, isn’t significant itself. Rather, it’s the mailbox that’s significant.

It began, oh so many years ago, before all the hat-ful fighting. The Pyro was a jubilant young lad/lass, carefree and frolicking in a meadow mask-free. It seemed like nothing could go wrong. But, as the audience knows, something will always go wrong otherwise the story wouldn’t be very interesting.

“Yo’ HEADS up, Pyro! Look at me with your EYES when I’m talking to you,” someone shouted. The Pyro turned around to see a sword dancing in front of him. “Why are you named ‘Pyro’ if you’re afraid of fire? Don’t you have a HEAD to realize how stupid that is?”

It was true, the Pyro was afraid of fire. However, the Pyro changed his/her name to Pyro for irony. The Pyro had a sense of humor after all, unlike the talking sword. And the Pyro knew he was better than the sword, and didn’t want to feed the troll, so s/he ignored the sword.

“You’re so stupid, how are you going to get aHEAD in life? I bet you’ve never even LANDED a chick/dude,” the sword continued. “Look at those peeps over there, they’re just EYEing you with pity.”

“Hey! Stop that!” a new voice shouted. It was a mailbox, coming to the Pyro’s rescue.

“Don’t tell me to CUT it out,” the sword said.

“Shut up Eyelander,” the mailbox said. “Everyone hates your puns.”

The Eyelander burst into tears and ran away sobbing, crying for his black cyclops.

The mailbox turned to the Pyro and smiled. When mailboxes smile, it looks like they want to kill you and mail your corpse to an orphange. But the Pyro saw past the creepy smile and saw a true friend.

“You can call me 606 the Mailbox,” 606 the Mailbox said. And thus, 606 the Mailbox and the Pyro became the best of friends.

It all happened so somewhat fast. Imagine a high-speed rocket slowed down by hundreds of parachutes, and the pilot of the rocket is a snail. Except the snail is on drugs and can move faster than the speed of light, but relativity slows down everything else compared to the snail.

That’s how fast it happened. The sky darkened, and somewhere a Russian man shouted “Oooh this is bad!” Thunder cackled, and lightning struck the meadow, bursting everything into flames.

The Pyro, scared of fire, ran away screaming like a girl/guy. But s/he heard something that made him stop in his tracks.

“Help Pyro! I’m stuck!” 606 the Mailbox shouted, attached to the burning ground (just in case the audience doesn’t know, mailboxes can’t move).

The Pyro saw that his/her dear friend needed help. But…s/he just couldn’t approach the flames. The Pyro looked away in shame, and walked.

“You’re abandoning your friend?” a voice in his head said. “I think you’re giving up too easily. Call me Triboniophorus Tyrannus, and I’m here to help you. Go to your friend, I know you can save 606 the Mailbox.”

The mysterious voice had a strange effect on the Pyro, and the Pyro felt his body move towards the screaming 606 the Mailbox. And as his/her body got closer to the towering flames, the Pyro knew the truth. He would, could, and will save his best friend.

The Pyro leapt into the flames, screaming his/her battle cry and played air guitar. The fire burned his body, and smoke entered his lungs. But the fire didn’t stop him/her. S/he had a friend to save.


“Uhgn…what happened?” 606 the Mailbox asked. It looked up into the clear, blue sky, and saw a masked wo/man standing above him. The fire had gone out.

“P-Pyro, is that you?” 606 the Mailbox asked.

Even if the Pyro wanted to speak, he couldn’t. But the 606 the Mailbox looked into the Pyro’s mask and knew what happened. “Thanks for saving me, friend.”

Suddenly a plot device named VALVe swooped down and snatched the Pyro away.
“I’ll save you!” the mailbox shouted after the Pyro. “Just like you saved me.”

…several years later…

Team Fortress 2 was revealed in 1993 at E3. People were excited for the game, but it was delayed again and again. Hopes were dashed, and um….hopes were dashed.

…several more years later…

Finally on October 10, 2007, Team Fortress 2 released as part of the Orange Box. People rejoiced everywhere. But the Pyro was still alone.

S/he made friends with his team, especially with the Engineer. S/he lit Spies on fire. S/he called for Medic. But it just wasn’t the same without 606 the Mailbox.

One day, the Pyro got an alert. S/he checked his/her mailbox to find a box labeled “From VALVe.” Insider, were a whole bunch with toys for the Pyro to play with. One particular axe got the Pyro’s eye.

The Pyro picked up the axe, and it whispered to him/her, “I will axtinguish all your worries.”

And so, the Pyro and the Axtinguisher became somewhat friends along with Airblast, and the three of them were soon known as “Puff-n-Sting.” The Pyro almost forgot about 606, but one fateful summer day changed that.

“You’ve got mail,” the Pyro’s mailbox said. The Pyro opened up the mailbox to find…another mailbox! Except this one was his old friend, 606 the Mailbox. The Pyro’s eyes teared up with joy, and 606 the Mailbox returned to the Pyro’s embrace.

The Pyro tried to say something, but the mailbox cut him/her off. “I’ve missed you friend,” it said. “Let’s be best friends again…on one condition…”

That night, the Axtinguisher’s cries of pain could be heard all throughout Badlands as the Pyro crafted it into a hat.


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